A2 | The Half-Expected Re-sit

 15th June '2023

Thursday

As-Salaam-Alaikum,

(Meaning: Peace & Blessings be upon you)

Hey there,

Remember this one exam that had been a complete train wreck? Yeah... I had to re-sit for it. I really made a blundered last time. Incomplete QP. Yet, a few days ago, despite my initial stress and nervousness, when I actually re-sat for my A2 exam, I felt prepared. Or rather, experienced, if you will. Not as in, I know what to write... but more along the lines of: 'how to calculate the marks and the duration of the exam while answering the questions'. Just so I wouldn't repeat the same mistake twice.

And guess what? The strategy almost worked. Anyway, let's save the in-depth analysis for another day. 😅

Real Talk though, just re-sitting for the exam felt embarrassing. I'd already been delayed by the infamous 2020 you-know-what, so re-sitting this time made me feel really old. The other reason would be because of the culture I've been raised in. Let's just say that I've always been an average (cuz I never really studied much and only listened and remembered teacher's lectures & passed throughout school life), normal student raised amongst genius/excellent winning joint-family culture. Not just in studies, but with chores, work/jobs and everything. So, re-sitting wouldn't be seen favorably by those around me. My anxiety got so bad that I tended to avoid talking about myself with others. Yet somehow, the more I tried avoiding, the more I'd get asked and at times confronted about it. Naturally, I've gotten labeled as someone with 'no aspirations in life'... though it's not really true.

Hey, nobody wants to be seen as a disappointment, right? Neither do I. At least not by those I care about... that's why I've always tended to keep to myself. Besides, when I initially, excitedly informed those around me that my goal was to be an author (way before I started highschool), I was brutally rejected. With the exception of my mother and some of my childhood friends.

Eventually, I learned to just say that I don't have anything planned. Or that I'm still searching for something interesting. I suppose that's why when a friend introduced me to Wattpad in 2016, I decided to try out. I loved writing! Still do. There's something about creating a character that overcomes struggles... it helps me gain a type of strength in my heart.

Right, right! Back to today's topic...

The nervousness dissipated once I sat on my designated seat in the exam hall. The moment I mumbled, 'Bismillah hir Rahman hir Raheem', my body felt lighter and that tingling overwhelming nervousness slowly, but eventually calmed and dissipated. Thank goodness for Allah's Help & Mercy. In more ways than one (things I know not about). I opened my papers with a peaceful mind and told myself two things: "Buckle up" and "It's okay".

It's funny. I wasn't nervous before writing this post, but now that anxiety is creeping back in. The 'woe is me' worry that I do not have the financial circumstances to try a third time for A2 isn't helping either...! Then again, no matter how much I squeeze my brain for a solution, the situation now is beyond my control. Needless to reiterate, of course I hope to pass, like everyone else. Allah's Rahma is always near - that's what's helping me keep my sanity level stable. Even today.

As always, thanks for stopping by, tata~ 👋🏼